10 Ways to Silly Up Your Christmas

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10 Ways to Silly Up Your Christmas

Posted December 13th, 2006 by Amused and Bemused

Looking for the perfect Christmas decorations?

I know that Christmas is all about traditions but I am finding the familiar traditions to be a bit boring. I mean, does it always have to be the same? Same tree, same lights, same food....yawn!

I want to be able to have fun for the holidays, and to me, doing the same exact thing I did last year is not a lot of fun.

For those who agree with me and want to spice up what you have been doing for years for Christmas, I have collected together 10 Ways to Silly Up Your Christmas:

1. Forget the Santa Claus Outfit, Think "Give Me Some Real Joy" Boxers

Rather than putting on the old Santa suit, hoping to get the missus in the mood, make it clear you want some loving.

Merchant says "Merry Xmas Boxers - Spread some holiday cheer. Back reads "Happy New Year" (Christmas Decoration)

2. Forget the Santa Hat, Think Huge Christmas Tree Hat

Rather than wearing the stupid, little, flappy, red Santa cap with the little fur ball at the end that everyone else is wearing, put something with a bit more sparkle on your head.

Merchant says "You'll be the star this holiday with this CRAZY CHRISTMAS TREE HAT! Fully-decorated hat is 18" high! Stars and Ornaments blink on & off just like a real tree." (Christmas Decoration via Gearlog)

3. Forget Frosty the Snowman, Think Kiss My Ass Elf

Instead of having all those blow up Christmas decorations of Frosty and Santa that on everyone's lawns, try putting this elf on your front lawn. Give the neighbors and people that drive by something to really talk about.

Merchant says "Half Mooning Elf -Santa's naughtier elf takes a break from the hustle and bustle at the North Pole to have a little fun at your house. Sculpted in plastic and finished with cute details for a whimsical holiday touch."(Christmas Decoration)

4. Forget the Pretty Dishes of Candy, Think Santa Doing the Poopy Dance

Rather than putting out pretty crystal dishes of stale candy or nuts for your guest, do something different and let Santa poop out the candy this year.

Merchant says "Poo Poo Novelty Santa Candy Dispenser - With our Poo Pooing Santa Claus, press down on the candy dispenser's head and watch Santa "poo-poo" the candies from his bottom!" (Christmas Decoration)

5. Forget a Full, Lush Christmas Tree, Think Pitiful Loser Tree

Rather than spending hours trying to pick out a perfect well-balanced tree and spending tons of money for it, just negotiate with the tree guy to give you a great deal on a half dead looking tree. If you don't have many branches on your tree, you can save yourself hours decorating the tree. This way, one ornament will be enough.

Merchant says " Good Grief. Learn the true meaning of Christmas with Charlie Brown's classic pathetic Christmas tree. Leave it bare or dress it up all fancy. The tree is an exact replica of the tree from the famous cartoon, made of wire branches and plastic needles with a criss cross wooden base. The bendable branches allow you to make it look just how you want, super pathetic or just kind of pathetic. The tree comes with one red Christmas ball ornament." (Christmas Decoration )

6. Forget a Wreath for the Car, Think Reindeer Antlers

Rather than attaching a wreath to the front grill of your car, think about antlers for your ride. It's really how "Santa" gets all the gift to your house, so why deny it?

Merchant says "Reindeer Car Antlers - Dash through the snow in pure holiday style as you haul that sleigh-load around in your red-nosed vehicle. Over-sized 16" jingle-bell plush antlers clip over your closed windows, while the bright red 6" nose attaches with sturdy wire." (Christmas Decoration)

7. Forget the Red Velvet Stockings, Put Out Monster Stockings

Instead of the same old red stocking with the white fur trim that no one can actually wear, try stockings that are perfect for the little monsters that really live in your house.

Merchant says "Dragon: round toes can be filled with tiny treats and are tipped with fierce satin claws!" (Christmas Decoration)

8. Forget Coal in the Stockings, Think Poop for the Stockings

Why give coal to those who have been bad? Make your gift giving a bit more interesting by giving them sh*t... Snowman Sh*t.

Merchant says "Snowman Poop Soap - The words on the bag say: You've been naughty so here's the scoop. All you get for Christmas is Snowman POOP! Lovely coconut fragrance. (Christmas Decoration)

9. Forget Pretty Icicle Garland, Think Barbed Wire Tree Garland

Why decorate your tree and then have someone topple it. If you use this distinctive tree garland made from barbed wire, I am certain no one will accidentally touch the Christmas tree and knock it over.

Merchant says "A black shoe string is realistically painted to appear like an old rusted barbed wire fence. For a touch of the Old West or just some real cowboy country charm, this 6' garland will make your tree the coolest rootin' tootin' tree your friends have ever seen! And because this garland is so versatile, the earthy tones also make it possible to be displayed as a crown of thorns when twisted into a circle for a truly unique spin that is sure to make a conversation piece on your tree." (Christmas Decoration)

10. Forget the Real Live Tree Altogether, Think Christmas Tree Poster

Why, oh why, get a real tree when its creates a ton of work for yourself? You have to spend hours and hours setting up the tree and decorating it. And, then, only a few days later, your going to have spend more time taking the tree down. Avoid the hassle with a picture...a picture worth a thousand hours of free TV time.

Merchant says "The heart-warming image of a family decorating a Christmas tree is a festive classic: stockings hanging above the fireplace as mom and dad arrange the tinsel; faces lighting up as twinkling lights are draped across branches; holiday tunes playing on the radio as cockney street urchins throw snowballs outside...hang on, we're confusing our eras here....The point is this cozy cliché is a load of movie malarkey. Put simply, Christmas trees are a freakin' nightmare. It's a miracle if the lights work, there are needles and smashed balls all over the floor and you can never quite reach the fairy (insert your own joke here). And that's after you've nearly broken your back carrying the thing home."(Christmas Decoration )

Well, I hope you like some of my ideas for turning your humdrum Christmas to something a bit more entertaining.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

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Comments

Oh I love this article.

Submitted on December 13th, 2006 by Anonymous (not verified)

Oh I love this article. Great finds Amused. You did it again!

reply

Ho, Ho, Ho! I mean, "No, No, No!"

Submitted on December 30th, 2006 by Anonymous KK (Kris Kringle) (not verified)

Hey Beused: We can't Befused--I'm, oh, KK with a different view. I was thinking, "Let it go, let it go, let it go", but the weather outside has been far from frightful. I hope this is delightful.

(1) FORGET THE SANTA CLAUSE OUTFIT, THINK "GIVE ME SOME REAL JOY" BOXERS:
-This is the Santa Claus "Dick the Balls" Indicator. "High Five" means "fa, la, la, la, la" whereas "Hands Down" (when Santa starts coming to frown) indicates Don has gay apparel

(2) FORGET THE SANTA HAT, THINK HIGH CHRISTMAS TREE HAT
-This is a "Dumb Blond?" Gauge. If you are wondering if old acquaintances should be forgotten, put this gauge on your new blond friend's head for an instant reading. Subject pictured scored 9 out of 10 stars (NOT a dumb blond), but a yellow star on top of her head indicates that you must slow down and proceed with caution. (Red star would indicate "stop" and green star would indicate "go".)

(3) FORGET FROSTY THE SNOWMAN, THINK KISS MY ASS ELF
-From the maker of "The Clawse" and other Lawn & Garden tools, "The Elf" natural gas snowblower can trim grass with its razor-sharp teeth or blow snow out of its ass. Works best on Ass-phalt.
-An offshoot, the miniature "Elfis Pressley Snow Blower" dispenses crack out of his crack

(4) FORGET THE PRETTY DISHES OF CANDY, THINK SANTA DOING THE POOPY DANCE
-You know there's Dasher and Dancer and Donner, but do you know the most famous Reign Dear of all? Santa Shitten
-This is Santa doing his "Thin Chimknee Sweep" routine--he's gotta dump some pooh if he wants to fit down the flue. Jolly Santa typically sings "Bowels of Holly" during his tours of duty

(5) FORGET FULL, LUSH CHRISTMAS TREE, THINK PITIFUL LOSER TREE
-Good Grief! That's the post-Jenny Craig Arby's tree that is bent on helping the bulb. It hopes to fit into a size 2 fir coat by next Christmas

(6) FORGET A WREATH FOR THE CAR, THINK REINDEER ANTLERS
-This is the ultimate 8-Point "Roof Rack" for sleds or skis that doubles as fog "horns" when Rudolph isn't available or gets stuck at a red light

(7) FORGET THE RED VELVET STOCKINGS, PUT ON MONSTER STOCKING
-"Grab Bags" never quite lived up to their name. The solution: "Grab Stockings" (sometimes called "Stalking Stockings") that can "sock it to 'em" by grabbing anyone who tries to steal stocking stuffers and/or tries to swap a cheap gift for a more expensive one
-For major pests that Yule want to get rid of, try the optional "Missile Toes" attachment (sold separately)

(8) FORGET THE COAL IN THE STOCKINGS, THINK POOP FOR THE STOCKING
-I beg your pardon! That is a colonostomy bag for the seasoned patient

(9) FORGET PRETTY ICICLE GARLAND, THINK BARBED WIRE TREE GARLAND
-That's actually CONCERTina Garland for convicted famous musicians (especially Heavy Metal and Rap stars) who want to put on a show while they are incarcerated on drug and/or firearms violations but don't have any instrumental means. When they try to escape on a bad rap by going over the CONCERTina garland, they end up screaming at their dumbfounded fans and groupies who are waiting on the other side
-It is interesting to note that this is reportedly the way that the late James Brown learned how to scream so well and, after months of recuperating from his wounds, was finally able to say, "I feel good."

(10) FORGET THE REAL LIVE TREE ALTOGETHER, THINK CHRISTMAS TREE POSTER
-The "fake" tree is another prop used by real estate agents who pay actors to portray themselves as a happy family trying to sell their home. Prospective buyers walk past the present under the tree and can imagine their future in the house
-Century 2l being Prudent Shall make the sale

While this may sound a little unorthodox, it is just in time for the upcoming Orthodox Christmas celebration.

A Christmas Riddle: If the Lord Has Come, where is the Virgin Mary?

JOY TO THE WORLD!